Negging The Employer

Part I of a satirical overview of the job search and dating. All proper nouns are fictional creations of the writer unless otherwise stated, and any resemblance to reality is sheer coincidence. This is a work of fiction!

Two best friends, Ryan and John, sit side-by-side on their laptops in John’s living room. Ryan is busy applying for jobs while John leans back in his chair.

Ryan: John, look at this! I got a “Someone Likes You” notification on ZipRecruiter. I can’t believe it!  They actually gave me a thumbs up. It’s that fancy speechwriter job.

John: That’s one fine-looking job, Ryan! Remember to mind your P’s and Q’s if you have coffee with them. Starbucks can get a little weird too sometimes.

Really, it’s always better to grab drinks and then dinner at another location.

You know—do a little scene change—to change things up a bit. That way it’s like you’ve gone out on two interviews with them instead of just one.

Ryan: Yeah, I know! I do get ghosted a lot after meeting up the first time. It’s just coffee after coffee for me.

No one wants to make a commitment to hiring a full-time Writer/ Editor these days.

It’s like I have to go on 20 first interviews before finding one long-term position.

John: You know that never happens to me, Ryan!

I suggest you sign up for that master’s class on advanced interview tactics.

Here’s a flyer for it that just came in the mail.

Advanced Interview Tactics My 700-level course and master class on “negging the employer”.

Negging The Employer “Inspired by the work of today’s greatest pick-up artists, this course examines matters such as, bringing up your potential employer’s Glassdoor reviews, and how to do it in a seemingly helpful manner—while terrifying them—by drawing out and magnifying their insecurities during the interview process, all so that you can get that coveted position at one of the world’s most highly-regarded Fortune 500 corporations.”

Ryan: Wow! This is advanced shit, John. The professor for this class must be some kind of creative genius.

John: It’s well beyond peacocking, Ryan! This guy is the Michelangelo of job interviewing.

His stuff actually works.

The guys on Wall Street do this shit all the time.

Heck, you could even incorporate it into your speeches and then be like Stephen Miller.

Ryan: I don’t know about this, John. I’m a pretty traditional guy and some of this stuff isn’t ethical.

I’m looking to get married and then have a family and shit.

I don’t want to  just fool around with my employers.

I’m looking for something long-term.

I want an employer that I can respect like my best friend.

John: Haha Thanks for the compliment, Ryan! You can use this stuff on your wife too.

Ryan: Really?

John: Yeah! My father does it all the time.